Sep. 8th, 2007

capt_kasya: (animated 2 sniper)
I'm still not quite sure what to think about the fact I'm a father now.

I guess technically, I've been one for a while, though I didn't know it. But it seems to me that being a father transcends biology, and is - or should be - about...

Well, that's my problem, I suppose.

I don't know how a real father is supposed to act. I can't judge by my own father, and no one else I know had a real father in their lives. Not Isaev. Liadov told me he never knew his father. The girl in Flame Patrol only talks about her mother and grandmother.

Except...

Now that I think about it, I remember Vitya telling me about his father. He died in the war, a hero.

But I don't want to ask Vitya about this. Not when it's about Aryol.

In a way it doesn't matter if it's true or not, if I'm really Aryol's father or if this is just a coincidence that we've taken too far.

A bullseye could just mean that you're lucky, after all.

Even if it can't ever been proven, it doesn't matter, because both he and I believe it, and that, more than anything else, makes it true.

I still don't know what I'm going to do about this.

Back at the spring, I told Isaev about love, and how I see it. At how having a comrade at your side gives you strength.

In the Symposium, Plato says:

And if there were only some way of contriving that a state or an army should be made up of lovers and their loves, they would be the very best governors of their own city, abstaining from all dishonour, and emulating one another in honour; and when fighting at each other's side, although a mere handful, they would overcome the world. For what lover would not choose rather to be seen by all mankind than by his beloved, either when abandoning his post or throwing away his arms? He would be ready to die a thousand deaths rather than endure this. Or who would desert his beloved or fail him in the hour of danger?

Plutarch said this quote was the inspiration behind the Theban Band, the ancient Greek army that was comprised of men and their lovers.

It's said they fought the Spartans, and won.

I believe in that ideal. Maybe it's antiquated, but I believe in it anyway, and that's what gives it power.

That's why I'm fortunate I met Isaev when I did. All of this would be a lot harder to get through otherwise, but even so, it's not going to be easy trying to figure out what to do about the fact I'm the father of my ex-lover's lover.

...when I put it that way, it sounds even more twisted.

...

I'm glad Isaev's at my side.

'You should have been careful who you bumped into in the dark, comrade.' )

September 2009

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